They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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