I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
