Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
