Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
