I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
pray to the hookup gods
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
