Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
