At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
