my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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