i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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