i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
