i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
