I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
