my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
