Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So squirting runs in the family.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
