I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
