I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
