i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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