textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
