i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
