I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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