textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
