I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
where does the pee come out of this thing
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
