i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
