I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
