She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
