So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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