i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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