Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
