How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
