let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
