Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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