While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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