I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
