i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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