No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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