I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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