He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
