so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i would punch a child for taco bell
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
