im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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