She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You were trust falling into bushes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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