I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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