Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
