a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
As shirtless as possible
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
