This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
