first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
