seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
