That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
