I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
