When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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