Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
